Memories are a mesmerising phenomenon. They do all sorts of things to us humans. They shield, they scare, they protect, they make us crave, they hurt, they bring a smile, and then they empower. I’m sure you will agree when I say that there is a favourite teacher or a sibling or a mentor you remember from your past. Someone who had faith in you, someone who believed that you were capable of more than you thought you were.

For me, my 11 year old BDSM memories, and many others since then, do the same. People who put in their faith in me, who made me believe that it was okay to be myself, the strong woman and the submissive that I was and continue to be.

For the longest time, I haven’t felt comfortable sharing the memories of the online phase of my journey into BDSM. I was around 22 back in the days when Yahoo chatrooms still existed and most of those about BDSM existed only abroad, rather than in India. It took me some time before I could laugh at the memory of my younger self going from chatroom to chatroom almost begging for attention from someone.

“22, F, slave, India” used to be my sales pitch. It used to burn my cheeks with humiliation when they talked to me and pointed out that their definition of slavery included sexual slavery and that it certainly didn’t involve a naïve, unwilling virgin like me. Unless I was willing to be ‘deflowered’, I wouldn’t be accepted.

But my positive takeaway from those conversations was how they enabled me to differentiate between those who wanted to interact with me because of who I was as a person and those who simply saw me as a means for sex.

I also had a few interactions with sorted men and women who told me that it was okay to be naïve, and that it was also okay to not conform to a certain definition of consensual slavery. These conversations empowered me by helping me discover the variety of BDSM practices that existed.

A turning point in my BDSM journey was when I asked a self-proclaimed American ‘Gorean’ Master what ‘Gor’ was. Rather than spoon-feeding me, he asked me to use Google and discover for myself. And discover I did! Little did I know then, that my curiosity would take me on a journey that would change my life forever. This was the beginning of a one-way road for a naïve virgin who hoped to explore her sexuality, as she has been doing over the last decade and more.

I remember when, during my quest to find out more about Gor, I landed up on IRC (Internet Relay Chat – A chat client like Yahoo). Those of you who have chatted before the Yahoo days have probably already used it. At that time, the bondage.com server was the main hangout zone for us IRCers. I stayed there for more than 2 years chatting with men and women from all over the world, except India. I spoke with sex workers, ex-military people, housewives, mothers, technologists, and more. Some of these people are, even now, unparalleled in their understanding and application of the Gorean philosophy. Some of them are more revered names in the lifestyle, like John Norman himself, the man who wrote The Chronicles of Gor.

I remember with fondness the support some of these men and women extended to me. A 53-year-old man in the UK had first helped me learn the basics of polyamory and helped me understand that polygyny and polyandry were both equally as natural as anything else to do with human sexuality. His discussions and role-plays with me online were the beginning of a long journey. I used to be a strictly monogamous person who judged polyamorous people, but thanks to these conversations, today I am accepting, non-judgmental, ethical, and polyamorous.

Another 65-year-old man from the UK, who told his social worker to inform me when he died, is now no more in this world. He helped me explore my own sexuality through multiple reference links that I couldn’t have found on my own.

A 45-year-old submissive woman from the USA showed me that slavery and submission are not just about sex. She demonstrated through examples that they are instead about how your heart and mind react to authority. She was also the first person to help me experiment with bisexuality.

A very wise 50-year-old ex-military man had helped me focus on studies when I was struggling with a lot of setbacks in my personal and professional life. He once said to me, “As long as you do not manipulate, harm, lie or abuse another’s trust, safety and well-being, with or without consent, just follow your heart, slave”. That piece of advice is something that I have always tried to remember all these years. BDSM or not, sex or not, it was the life lessons I received from these people who I have never spoken to, never met, and will probably never ever meet that continue to define me.

Another very loving and caring friend I made online in my later years passed away due to illness after his fiancée died in an accident. He was the first person to give me insight into cross-dressing. His fiancée was the first person to show me what sisterhood could mean. She was not just a woman who accepted her male partner’s cross-dressing side and flirted with him respectfully in terms of kink but also accepted his women friends.

It’s not like I don’t have unpleasant memories of some experiences in my BDSM journey. However, while the unpleasant experiences are still remembered as a lesson, they keep me cautious in my exploration. They taught me how to practice and explore my sexuality safely. At the same time, the pleasant memories are a no-brainer really. They are what have helped me explore deeper and make me happy to this day.

If not for these memories, my exploration of sexuality would perhaps have stopped a few years ago, when I was single for a long time and didn’t know if I could find someone like me. However, the fondness of these memories, these people and their love and trust for me, kept me going and accepting new people who entered my life. If not for these fond memories, perhaps my expression of my sexuality would be confused as well as confusing for my partners now.

However, thankfully, my memories of my sexual exploration have been nothing but sources of inspiration and empowerment. Inspiration to grow, to love better, to be there for others, to be more of myself each passing day, with authenticity and love.

Cover Image: Pixabay