To queer something is to disrupt normative frameworks, to imagine and create new modes of being (Pirani & Daskalopoulou, 2022). For “late bloomers” – those who come out later in life – this disruption often takes the form of a second adolescence. This period is marked by the joys and challenges of self-discovery, akin to a teenage rebellion but with the wisdom of lived experience and a supportive community. It was only upon entering my first queer relationship that I learned about this concept of a second adolescence. In this newfound space, we reclaim lost experiences, explore our identities openly, and embrace queering as a way of life.

For many of us, coming out in our 20s, 30s or beyond feels like stepping into a world that was always there but just out of reach. We are navigating identities that had to be suppressed due to societal expectations and heteronormative pressures. This second adolescence is a time to reclaim those lost experiences, to explore and affirm our identities openly. It is a period of reawakening, where we experience the rush of new relationships, the thrill of self-discovery, and the freedom to be our true selves.

In this second adolescence, relationships can seem intense and rapid, almost like the fervour of teenage love. But these relationships are not just about passion – they are about finding our first true safe spaces. Our partners help us heal, understand our pasts, and build a sense of belonging that we might have missed earlier. This intensity is a form of queering our lives, rejecting the idea that love and relationships should follow a linear, heteronormative path.

Queer friendships are crucial in this journey. They offer a sense of chosen family and belonging, which many of us lacked in our youth. They are essential for our mental and emotional wellbeing, providing the support and affirmation needed to explore our identities. In a world that often marginalises and stigmatises us, these chosen families are vital for our survival and flourishing.

Queer spaces, both physical and virtual, play a crucial role in our second adolescence. Whether it’s a local LGBTQ+ centre, an online forum, or a social media group, these communities help us process the grief of a missed affirming childhood and celebrate our newfound freedom. In these spaces, we find validation, support, and a sense of belonging that is often missing in mainstream society. They are places of refuge from the heteronormative world (Rios & Eaton, 2016).

Our brains remain adaptable throughout our lives (Hirsch & Hirsch, 2014). Surrounded by supportive environments, we can rewrite old patterns and explore new ways of being. This neuroplasticity is especially relevant for those who didn’t have affirming spaces during their first adolescence. Finding love and support later in life allows our brains to heal and grow, reinforcing that it’s never too late to embrace our true selves. This adaptability is crucial for our development and wellbeing, as it allows us to overcome past traumas and build a healthier, more fulfilling life (Adihartono, 2023).

Dismantling the Binary

Society often imposes strict binaries – male or female, masculine or feminine. These binaries are limiting and fail to capture the richness and diversity of human experiences (St John et al., 2014). Queering is about rejecting these narrow definitions and, instead, recognising and validating a wide range of identities. By doing so, we acknowledge that identity is not fixed but fluid, and that people should have the freedom to define themselves on their own terms. It is about celebrating, advocating for our identity, and also holding space for each other.

The binary and normative structures that queering challenges are deeply embedded in the politics, power dynamics, and privileges of our society. These structures uphold certain identities and relationships as ‘normal’ or ‘natural’, while marginalising and stigmatising others. By queering our lives, we actively work to dismantle these oppressive systems. This involves questioning and resisting the societal norms that dictate how we should live, love, and relate to one another. For instance, the legal and political systems often enforce rigid definitions of gender and sexuality, which can exclude and marginalise those who do not conform to these norms. By advocating for policies that recognize and protect the rights of all individuals, regardless of their gender or sexual identity, we can create a more just and equitable society (Tabaac et al., 2015). Similarly, in our personal lives, we can challenge the power dynamics that privilege certain relationships over others.

By valuing and validating all forms of relationships – romantic, platonic, or chosen family – we can create a more inclusive and supportive community. This can be achieved by organising gatherings that celebrate diverse bonds, like casual meet-ups or movie nights. Media representation showcasing friendships and chosen families also provides visibility and validation. Additionally, policy changes in institutions, such as extending hospital visitation rights to chosen family members, can further recognize and respect non-traditional family structures.

Queering our lives also means fostering workplaces where everyone feels safe and valued. Implementing anti-discrimination policies, conducting regular diversity training, and providing employee assistance programs (EAPs) for LGBTQ+ employees are crucial. Inclusive benefits, such as health insurance covering all partners, and creating safe spaces or employee resource groups (ERGs) can help make workplaces more supportive.

Advocating for policy changes is essential. Campaigning for legal recognition of diverse gender identities and sexual orientations in official documents, supporting comprehensive anti-discrimination laws, and promoting inclusive education policies are necessary actions. Public awareness campaigns can educate society about the importance of recognising and protecting everyone’s rights (Poteat et al., 2012)

In our second adolescence, we have the chance to redefine kinship and relationships. Queering our lives means building families of choice, based on mutual support and understanding rather than biological ties. These chosen families provide the love, support, and validation that many lack in their biological families, showcasing queer resilience and creativity in forging new forms of connection.

Embracing a second adolescence as a queer individual is about more than just personal growth; it’s a radical act of self-love and transformation (Meyer, 2015). This journey, though challenging, is a beautiful and necessary part of living authentically. By queering our lives, we dismantle oppressive systems, build supportive communities, and create a world where everyone can thrive. It’s a reminder that queering is not just an identity, but a way of life – a way of living that is radical, transformative, and profoundly human.

References:

Adihartono, W. (2023). What is love? Love from sociological perspectives and queer love in Indonesia. Simulacra, 6(2), 209–220. https://doi.org/10.21107/sml.v6i2.22122

Hirsch, M. A., & Hirsch, H. V. B. (2014). The adaptable brain. Topics in Geriatric Rehabilitation, 30(1), 2–7. https://doi.org/10.1097/tgr.0000000000000003

Meyer, I. H. (2015). Resilience in the study of minority stress and health of sexual and gender minorities. Psychology of Sexual Orientation and Gender Diversity, 2(3), 209–213. https://doi.org/10.1037/sgd0000132

Pirani, D., & Daskalopoulou, A. (2022). The queer manifesto: Imagining new possibilities and futures for marketing and consumer research. Marketing Theory, 22(2), 293–308. https://doi.org/10.1177/14705931221074723

Poteat, V. P., Sinclair, K. O., DiGiovanni, C. D., Koenig, B. W., & Russell, S. T. (2012). Gay–Straight alliances are associated with student health: a multi-school comparison of LGBTQ and heterosexual youth. Journal of Research on Adolescence, 23(2), 319–330. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1532-7795.2012.00832.x

Rios, D., & Eaton, A. (2016). Perceived social support in the lives of gay, bisexual and queer Hispanic college men. Culture, Health & Sexuality, 18(10), 1093–1106. https://doi.org/10.1080/13691058.2016.1150516

St John, A., Travers, R., Munro, L., Liboro, R., Schneider, M., & Greig, C. L. (2014). The success of Gay–Straight alliances in Waterloo Region, Ontario: a confluence of political and social factors. Journal of LGBT Youth, 11(2), 150–170. https://doi.org/10.1080/19361653.2014.878564

Tabaac, A. R., Perrin, P. B., & Trujillo, M. A. (2015). Multiple mediational model of outness, social support, mental health, and wellness behavior in ethnically diverse lesbian, bisexual, and queer women. LGBT Health, 2(3), 243–249. https://doi.org/10.1089/lgbt.2014.0110

Cover Image: Photo by Jordan McDonald on Unsplash