“Why did you choose this topic for your Ph.D. dissertation?” Many people had asked me this question when I told them my dissertation was centred around queer representation at queer film festivals. I did not have a concrete answer and used to reply with a forced smile that I had heard about the LGBTQIA+ community and was curious about their representation in the media. But that was only partially correct. I had never consciously voiced it, but for a very long time, since 2013, when I was pursuing my Master’s studies, I just knew I was ‘different’. It was only while doing my Ph.D. literature review, that I learned that ‘Queer’ is a word referring to anyone who doesn’t conform to heteronormativity.

My identity unfolded slowly during my postgraduate media studies course, where I was exposed to peers from different socio-economic backgrounds. The ecosystem there completely differed from that of my engineering college back home, where I had barely interacted with my peers. As I struggled to find ‘myself’, I was attracted to a girl, and no one knows about this till now as I barely spoke to her.

During that time, for some period, I also developed a fear of looking at women wearing clothes that were tight around their busts. Later, I realised, with reading and reflection, that my fear was self-directed, repressed, internalised homophobia. But why did I develop homophobia? Was it the influence of my peer circle, or media messages, or my lack of exposure that led to my being homophobic? Perhaps it was a mixture of everything. I had heard people crack jokes about homosexuality, and some of my friends would tease me about my ignorance of sexual issues and make fun of my naivety. Some of my women friends would even tease me about my large bust, which would worry me further.

As I looked at myself in the mirror
I was repulsed by the person who stood there
She was someone I struggled to identify with…
I wanted to hit her stomach
Chop her breasts
Why was I like this
That others ridiculed?

Understanding Asexuality, the ‘A’ in LGBTQIA+

During my Ph.D. coursework, I was supposed to do two courses on Coursera; one had to be a course about my topic. As I pursued a course titled Queering Identities: Of Gender and Sexualities, I began identifying with the ‘lived experiences’ of different people across the globe. It was the first time that I heard of the term ‘asexuality’. Little did I know that this would help me make sense of myself more deeply. That there were people who experienced varying, sometimes even zero, levels of sexual attraction was something new to me, and I somehow felt relieved.

Upon further reading, I found out about the global and Indian Ace communities, and I connected with some members to understand asexuality better. It was then that I realised that there are labels within the ace community as well. Sometimes I wondered: are so many labels necessary?

I looked at myself in the mirror.
I was now drawn to the person in front of me
Her rawness
Her vulnerability
Her eyes
Her smile
Her imperfectly shaped baggy breasts
Her scarred, protruding stomach
I liked everything about her
But what am I?
Asexual?
Bisexual?
Heterosexual?
Or homosexual?
What do you call a person who is attracted to self?
Oh, I don’t know
I am just a person
Trying to make sense of self…

These lines encapsulate the confusion I experienced about labels. And later, I came across the concept of sexual fluidity on social media. That one’s sexuality is not always constant and can be changing, is something I learned and continue to learn and understand. With this newfound knowledge, I ploughed through my data collection process.

Navigating the Queer Spectrum

As I began data collection, I was exposed to queer culture in metropolitan Bangalore. I attended the volunteer-driven Bangalore Queer Film Festival for the first time. My experience was tinged with awe and ‘aha’ moments there. Also, it was a lonely space where I didn’t know anyone, and I would be anxious while asking people to answer my interview questions. I was sometimes surprised by people’s attire at the festival, where people of every gender wore skirts and dressed freely, the way they wanted. Perhaps their freeness shocked me and my self-restrained nature. Though there was a side of me open to different experiences, I still had many parts of me that were undiscovered and closeted.

The films, showcasing different forms of sexuality and gender identity, further exposed me to the nuances of queer culture. From world cinema to regional cinema, the festival was a bouquet of different films of varied genres. I especially liked a film called Mud Mud Ke Na Dekh (2020) showcased in the festival, centred around the lives of three people, where they navigate their confusions about their sexuality, experimenting and exploring while all living in the same house. The concept of negotiable and flexible boundaries portrayed in this film was something I identify with and it was different from the rigidity that I had experienced in my relationships. It opened another layer within me as I refused to feel bound to someone in a relationship, but wanted to have meaningful conversations and enjoy emotional intimacy and companionship.

Linking back these needs to my sexuality, I realised that I was engaging in sexual encounters with one particular person just to feel connected to them, and was not enjoying the act itself. Sometimes, I wanted the sexual experience with that person because I felt safe in their presence. Though safety is not discussed much, it is essential in order to feel attraction to, or even to kiss a person. And because of the sexual encounter that I had with this person, I would question myself – Am I really asexual? Later, I realised that a person can engage in sexual activity and still be asexual. It was a piece of information that further broadened my views. And after detailed learning and interactions, I understood the difference between sexual attraction, sexual drive, sexual desire, and sexual intimacy. I knew that I could have sexual desire for only one person and not anyone else. I learned that I could have sexual desire that’s satisfied by self-pleasuring and not by craving for a person. And I knew that all these experiences were valid expressions of asexuality, which is a spectrum. I also wondered what love and attraction would mean to me if there were no popular cultural references to refer to.

Q – Questioning and Queer

It was while analysing the in-depth interview of a film festival organiser, that I further understood that the term queer is not a static concept but a dynamic, ever-changing one. That the organisers included a film about a man just obsessed with smelling the ‘air from a tyre’ as part of a queer film festival showed that queerness is not always about sexuality. It was then that I further questioned myself. I understood the meaning of ‘questioning’ in the queer spectrum.

Emotional Intimacy and the Discovery of Self

Every film I analysed for my research had a learning embedded within it. I especially loved U for Usha (2019) by Rohan Kanawade which handled the sexuality of a demographic that we usually don’t associate with homosexuality.

U for Usha was about a rural woman, a farm labourer, who nurtures feelings for the woman who empowers her to read and write. The symbolic representations of love and care represented in the film highlight that same-sex desire is not only about the sexual act, but that emotional intimacy and care are equally important, and sometimes that is enough. After engaging in different relationships, I am slowly learning that self-love and sisterhood, i.e., fulfilling friendships with other women, nurture my soul much more than physical intimacy.

My journey as a research scholar in queer studies shaped my worldview and helped build my identity. As I continued with my research, I realised I couldn’t follow through with my PhD on account of various factors. But that journey is a significant part of my life as it shaped me personally as well as professionally and led me to a knowledge about Queer films and the queer film festival culture in Bangalore.

Now, my answer to “Who am I?” is that I am a woman who is discovering different aspects of myself with time.

Now I embrace me
As I peer at myself in the mirror
I see a woman
Is she perfect?
No
She is as imperfect as everyone out there
She is me
And I embrace her wholeheartedly

Cover Image: Photo by Xavi Cabrera on Unsplash