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The Silent Theft of Consent: How Patriarchy Undermines Women at Every Step

The image is a closeup of a grey wire fence.
By Aanya Narula Consent and Sexuality Voices February 18, 2025

Consent, in the context of sex, is when a person voluntarily engages in sexual activity. Looking around us, we can confidently say that a person’s consent has not always been respected. We all hear stories about how India is an unsafe country and how the rates of rape are always at an ‘all-time high’. Who faces this and its repercussions? Mostly women. Women have been subject to rape and sexual harassment and there is no denying this fact no matter where you come from. That 85 rapes are reported daily (Satapathy, 2024) definitely says a lot about how women’s consent has been snatched away from them, and that there is no respect for their free will and what they, as women, want.

And when we talk about the number of reported cases, we happen to forget the unreported. Women often fear coming forward with their experiences, and even when they have the courage to do so, they are, ironically, expected to seek ‘permission’ from family and society to report it. Many times, due to familial and societal expectations, this permission (consent) is not given to women and again, due to absence of consent, the woman suffers.

Another face of consent is the consent that people have the audacity to assume. This consent is the one after marriage. The National Family Health Survey-5 showed that 1 in 3 women have experienced spousal violence (physical and/or sexual violence) (NFHS-5 survey, 2019-21). This figure is not only significant but is also scary for women in India, as in this country even if a man sexually abuses his wife, he will face no criminal charges for marital rape. This should make one think, if not be completely shocked, about how our justice system and even the people around us are not what we really think they are.

I remember how I used to be told by my grandparents to always get permission from my parents before going out with my friends or wearing something ‘revealing’. Whenever I tried to question them and ask why the same rules had not been imposed on my brother, I had to keep my voice down and not speak against it, as it was what was expected from me.

When a woman, in her own house, is told by her family members, to always seek their consent before doing anything, and to always keep them informed of every activity she engages in, or even to seek a job in her chosen field, her freedom is taken away from her. She is expected to take their consent for anything and everything, but her own consent is taken away from her.

This idea of consent, which may seem different from the sense in which it is usually used, can have a similar impact on women in both situations – the sexual and the day-to-day. Sexual acts against consent may cause psychological trauma, feelings of powerlessness, decreased self-esteem as well as depression and anxiety. When a woman needs to seek consent in her day-to-day life, it creates a sense of lowered self-esteem and sets her up for failure. She starts to feel that without the permission of a man or an authority figure, she cannot do anything right, she starts doubting her every step, and is not able to see anything anymore without a defeatist mindset. She eventually starts to succumb to patriarchal expectations.

Studies show that with the onset of adolescence, girls of about 15 years of age are twice as likely as boys to have experienced a depressive episode and that this gender gap persists for about 35 to 40 years (Cyranowski et al, 2000). Further, married working women suffer from anxiety and depression more than unmarried working women (Akhouri, et al, 2019). The presence of domestic violence, lack of good family support, presence of chronic morbidity and greater age difference between spouses were found to be significantly associated with current depression in married women (Lamiya et al, 2023b). All this makes me wonder why this happens. According to me, the societal expectations and the unrealistic standards that are set for women are responsible for this.

Of course, I am fully aware that men have to bear the consequences of patriarchy as well – they are not allowed to show their emotions or appear vulnerable to others, they need to earn money for themselves and their families, and so on. However, hearing stories about how my mother struggled as each step of hers was tracked at her in-laws’ house and how her own single mother underestimated herself and was too scared to do anything because of the fear of facing society as a single parent, makes me think about why we do not talk about this more often, or at least as often as we talk about domestic violence or dowry.

This is the lived reality of many women who are too scared to talk about it due to “log kya sochenge?” (what will people think?) and feel nothing they do can ever be right until and unless someone approves of it or ensures that every step of theirs is up to patriarchal ‘standards’ This struggle is faced by many women at some point in their life and hampers their efforts and their ability to make decisions.

We women need to know and understand that it’s not our fault that someone cannot see our potential. For us to progress and show some real change as a society, restoring our lost confidence and affirming our strengths and the fact that we are just as capable as anyone else to do what we want and thrive in our own way, is the only way to go forward.

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Cover Image: Photography by Feifei Peng on Unsplash

Aanya Narula / About Author
Aanya is an 11th grader, about to move into the 12th grade. She aspires to pursue Sociology as a major because of her interest in and deep passion for human rights. After higher studies, Aanya wants to volunteer at the grassroots level and has already started volunteering at some places, bringing her closer to her aim.
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